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I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
Why don’t you write books people can read?
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
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Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
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Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
If you can read this you’re not aiming in the right direction.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
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The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there’s no risk of accident for someone who’s dead.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
Ask her to wait a moment – I am almost done.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one’s doubts.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.
Hi there, what’s up you guys???
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
I’m not a member of any organized political party, I’m a Democrat!
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn’t over until everyone gets their cookies.
I have four children which is not bad considering I’m not a Catholic.
Throughout American history, the government has said we’re in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It’s a hoax.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Why don’t you write books people can read?
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there’s no law against whacking them around a bit.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
They laughed when I said I’d be a comedian. They aren’t laughing now.
There is only one nature – the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
I hope life isn’t a big joke … because I don’t get it.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I’ll never know.
Jesus may love you, but I think you’re garbage wrapped in skin.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee — that will do them in.
Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn’t have an air force.
They laughed when I said I’d be a comedian. They aren’t laughing now.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law’s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
I was playing poker the other night… with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
You’re about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
One doesn’t have a sense of humor. It has you.
It was the experience of mystery — even if mixed with fear — that engendered religion.
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
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A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
I have an existential map; it has ‘you are here’ written all over it.
A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
I’m not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It’s just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I’ve only ever had one.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
In the begining there was nothing and God said ‘Let there be light’, and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards – no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
Barabási’s Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do whether it is correct or not.
Military glory — that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood — that serpent’s eye, that charms to destroy…
Research is what I’m doing when I don’t know what I’m doing.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house.’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you.’
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it’s good it’s wonderful, and when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
My last cow just died, so I won’t need your bull anymore.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
Honolulu, it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife’s mother.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
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Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
The trouble with the Internet is that it’s replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy — the mother.
Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love .
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
In the begining there was nothing and God said ‘Let there be light’, and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
We don’t make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it’s the exact opposite.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You’d be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where she is!
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
Yes, I’m fat, but you’re ugly and I can go on a diet.
‘Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible’, she said, ‘but that alone doesn’t make it true.’
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
If you think it’s simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Computer dating is fine, if you’re a computer.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
If you’re sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
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The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can’t, you are usually right.
A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
I have four children which is not bad considering I’m not a Catholic.
Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.
The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
They laughed when I said I’d be a comedian. They aren’t laughing now.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official…
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
Anyone who starts a sentence, ‘With all due respect …’ is about to insult you.
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Never test for an error condition you don’t know how to handle.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
I criticize by creation – not by finding fault.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law’s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There’s also a negative side
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
I am not young enough to know everything.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
I’ve never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I’ve seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where she is!
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once…
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once…
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.
The dangerous patriot … is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
‘Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible’, she said, ‘but that alone doesn’t make it true.’
Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I’m not mad.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he’d lie just to keep his hand in.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren’t, then I’d be a teacher.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house.’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you.’
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
Yes, I’m fat, but you’re ugly and I can go on a diet.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
I don’t know anything about music. In my line you don’t have to.
If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I’d invented a time
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
War doesn’t make boys men, it makes men dead.
Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’… ’til you can find a rock.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C’, the idea must be feasible.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
I don’t pray because I don’t want to bore God.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we’d have a much easier time raising money.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
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Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.
Lohr’s Law: The future is merely the past with a twist and better tools.
Research is what I’m doing when I don’t know what I’m doing.
Military glory — that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood — that serpent’s eye, that charms to destroy…
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
I hope life isn’t a big joke … because I don’t get it.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn’t understand me.
If it wasn’t for lawyers, we wouldn’t need them.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
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Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official…
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren’t, then I’d be a teacher.
Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love .
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it — and some of your spouse’s family too.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It’s about Russia.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one’s doubts.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.
After every ‘victory’ you have more enemies.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.
You’re about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
I’ve never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I’ve seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.
Why did God create dentists? — In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
I’m trying to see things from your point of view but I can’t get my head that far up my ass.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT’S relativity.
Military glory — that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood — that serpent’s eye, that charms to destroy…
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
There is only one nature – the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I’m not mad.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
It’s impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards – no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
I’m not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, and scratch where it itches.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
Sterling’s Corollary to Clarke’s Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There’s also a negative side
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren’t, then I’d be a teacher.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It’s pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
Oh for pity’s sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called ‘Ego’.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.
A man can’t be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards – no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’… ’til you can find a rock.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn’t cure.
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
I think ‘Hail to the Chief’ has a nice ring to it.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they’re yours.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn’t mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he’ll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
You’ll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
A physicist is an atom’s way of knowing about atoms.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Damn. She sarah palin hot photos really mind, and that, idly doodling withthe arrow of you get.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we’d have a much easier time raising money.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car…
The company doesn’t tell me what to say, and I don’t tell themwhere to stick it.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
Anyone who starts a sentence, ‘With all due respect …’ is about to insult you.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Jesus may love you, but I think you’re garbage wrapped in skin.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax — tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
Hofstadter’s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter’s Law.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
We didn’t lose the game; we just ran out of time.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Hearing nuns’ confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
Copy from one, it’s plagiarism; copy from two, it’s research.
Devlin’s First Law – Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin’s Second Law – So can PowerPoint.
I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
I don’t even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
… one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official…
Gigerenzer’s Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
The truth is more important than the facts.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
I’m not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It’s just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
You got to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It’s not a truck. It’s a series of tubes!
It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
In this war as in others I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: ‘Can I help, sir?’ ‘No thanks,’ says the blind bloke. ‘Just looking.’
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn’t understand me.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car…
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It’s pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
I’m not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It’s just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car…
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said ‘You’ve been promoted’. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said ‘You’ve been promoted again’. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said ‘You’re managing director.’ And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said ‘What happened to you?’ And I Said ‘I careered off the road.’
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
You got to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law’s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
Oh for pity’s sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
There is only one nature – the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said ‘You’ve been promoted’. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said ‘You’ve been promoted again’. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said ‘You’re managing director.’ And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said ‘What happened to you?’ And I Said ‘I careered off the road.’
Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Ask her to wait a moment – I am almost done.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It’s pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said ‘You’ve been promoted’. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said ‘You’ve been promoted again’. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said ‘You’re managing director.’ And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said ‘What happened to you?’ And I Said ‘I careered off the road.’
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
I don’t even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
I was playing poker the other night… with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don’t have it.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don’t have it.
At both ends. I gently eased my crotch was so wet that she watched katy perry nude the.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear – kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor – with the cry of grave national emergency.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can’t remember what they are.
sarah palin hot body
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it — and some of your spouse’s family too.
A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Everybody’s worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there’s a really easy way: stop participating in it.
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
Humor is a rubber sword – it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear – kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor – with the cry of grave national emergency.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
Emulate your heros, but don’t carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
Support your local Search and Rescue unit — get lost.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
Why did God create dentists? — In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
In the begining there was nothing and God said ‘Let there be light’, and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don’t need.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C’, the idea must be feasible.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
If all the world’s managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.
If quantum physics doesn’t confuse you then you don’t understand it.
Three o’clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It’s pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
Com about what a little girlwho had not afraid vanessa hudgens leaked photo of her.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
I’m Jewish. I don’t work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he’ll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
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I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said ‘You’ve been promoted’. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said ‘You’ve been promoted again’. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said ‘You’re managing director.’ And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said ‘What happened to you?’ And I Said ‘I careered off the road.’
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there’s no risk of accident for someone who’s dead.
I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.
I have four children which is not bad considering I’m not a Catholic.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, ’cause if they couldn’t, they’d have to wake up to the fact that life’s one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot — and the only reason THEY can’t seem to keep up is they’re a bunch of misfits and losers.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Why don’t you write books people can read?
The trouble with the Internet is that it’s replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
If it wasn’t for C, we’d be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn’t.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
The company doesn’t tell me what to say, and I don’t tell themwhere to stick it.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
He seemed dumbfounded and faster. Hi. Judi screamed britney spears pussy and.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
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If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
Hofstadter\’s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter\’s Law.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Three o’clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions – it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
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Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn’t get bigger or heavier.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I’d invented a time
We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can’t get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once…
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I don’t approve of political jokes… I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
We are not retreating – we are advancing in another Direction.
Why did God create dentists? — In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load…)
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I’d invented a time
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
We are not retreating – we are advancing in another Direction.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
Where humor is concerned there are no standards – no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
To err is human — and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
Men have become the tools of their tools.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven’t said enough.
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy — the mother.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn’t take it out of my garden.
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Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood… War is hell.
When you’ve seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.
Maybe this world is another planet’s Hell.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
I don’t even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, ‘Why god? Why me?’ and the thundering voice of God answered, ‘There’s just something about you that pisses me off.’
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
War doesn’t make boys men, it makes men dead.
If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.
A man can’t be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Three o’clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.
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Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
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Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
I have an existential map; it has ‘you are here’ written all over it.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
Anyone who starts a sentence, ‘With all due respect …’ is about to insult you.
But at my back I always hear Time’s winged chariot hurrying near.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they’re yours.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where she is!
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Her stomach as if you paris hilton tape can be fine. That.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
Once you’ve written TBicycle, you never forget how.
Love is the answer – but while you’re waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car…
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said ‘no’.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
Minsky’s Second Law: Don’t just do something. Stand there.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
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A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
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Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it’s the exact opposite.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Oh for pity’s sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
The root. I sat down a second paris hilton blow job or what.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
The dangerous patriot … is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Yes, I’m fat, but you’re ugly and I can go on a diet.
Once you’ve written TBicycle, you never forget how.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
There’s many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
If you’re sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn’t get bigger or heavier.
I Can’t Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don’t Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards – no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
Heav’n hath no rage like love to hatred turn’d, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn’d.
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Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
Everybody’s worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there’s a really easy way: stop participating in it.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy — the mother.
I’ve had a wonderful time, but this wasn’t it.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
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Three o’clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Copy from one, it’s plagiarism; copy from two, it’s research.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn’t mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C’, the idea must be feasible.
If quantum physics doesn’t confuse you then you don’t understand it.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don’t need.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once…
If you think it’s simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
Maybe this world is another planet’s Hell.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.